Try This: Four Minutes in the Morning


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It’s Monday morning, and time for our weekly post on tactics to try for a happy marriage.

This is the also the place where we invite you to share your success stories and tactics for what has worked for you in finding time for connection with your beloved while creating an entrepreneurial venture.  Please leave a comment if you have a tactic or story you’d like us to share.

This week’s Try This is to spend four minutes together each morning before the rest of the day gets crazy.

Everyone can do this.  Set aside four minutes to sit on the couch with your cup of coffee and share a few thoughts about your day with each other.  Make eye contact.  Maybe hug long enough to release some oxytocin.  Tell your beloved that you love him or her.

It’s a simple, manageable, no-cost way to set a tone for the rest of the day.

You have already had together time no matter what other whirlwinds of chaos come your way.

Brad gets up at 5:00 most mornings, and I sleep in another leisurely hour or so until the dogs wake me up, so if we don’t make an effort to have even just a few minutes together our days are already on divergent paths literally before I get out of bed.

When we first started this back in Boston more than fifteen years ago, we would turn over a 3 minute egg timer so we could tell how long it had been.  Now we have a good feel for how long it takes to settle down and focus on each other and forget the clamoring email – just about the length of a pop song or the amount of time you’re supposed to brush your teeth for.

We don’t need to have four minutes every day, but there are still definitely mornings where we stop what we’re doing for a calm moment together.

Try this, and let us know how it goes -

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  • http://twitter.com/lmacleod lmacleod

    This reminds me of some guidance we got in our pre-cana session in NY – spending a few minutes in the morning to talk about what each of you is doing individually helps keep you connected through the day. Somehow I seem to have forgotten this lesson, but it is so helpful.

  • http://twitter.com/jvaleski Jud Valeski

    obviously love this in principle. our challenge with this has been two fold. one, I’m a morning person, and my spouse is a nigh-owl. I get up early and she goes to bed late. of course this leaves us passing each other over quite a bit (mostly). two, children. kids are like crystals when it comes to time; they consume every open crevasse. 60 seconds into “time together” there’s a scream, a loud laugh, a break, a “mommy!”, a “daddy!”… an interruption of that personal connection time.

    we’ve had to try and find this kind of quality time within the context of a full house, and by taking it outside the house “date night.”

    the regularity of the daily drumbeat you’re proposing is obviously crucial. we need more of this on our end. thanks for the reminder.

  • http://gravatar.com/bloggr99 bloggr99

    Great point, amazing how a few minutes of focused tine has more impact than hours of unfocused time even when you’re in the same room. And working in the same company or the same projects makes it even more interesting. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

  • http://www.DontJustWorkout.com lucas

    A daily connection is amazing; we also have kids (one here and another on the way); it’s not always easy to make the time to talk about US without talking about the kids, the business, work, upcoming events that need planning or coordination but it makes all the difference on the days we do. Thanks for the reminder.

    When it comes to communicating with your spouse about your business, another good tactic I’ve heard is to treat your spouse like the lead investor, be open and honest with them but don’t let the peaks and valleys of daily activity be your only talking points – focus on where you are going and how you will get there.

  • Roger

    Re: oxytocin effect.

    It’s proven that the fastest path to a shared oxytocin release is to deliberately kiss your partner nonstop for 6 seconds to 10 seconds. Has to do with our lips being wired so closely into that part of our brains.

    At 6 seconds you feel the buzz but not enough that you feel compelled to expand the time commitment in a way that requires you find some privacy. If you go past 10 seconds you are in danger of a more significant pause in your daily schedule. :-)

    There might be ways to get a bigger shared oxytocin rush but none faster…unless the couple are very special/acrobatic people.

    R

  • http://twitter.com/SunTender SunTender

    Whether it is four minutes in the morning, or a mid-day phone call, or a date night – focusing on your spouse is essential to keeping your marriage strong. In addition to the warm and fuzzy feelings you get during the moment together, making an effort to spend time with your spouse is an overt way to communicate that you Treasure them – making each of you feel validated by the other’s desire to spend time with you.

  • Ariana

    My husband and I recently decided to share a calendar in addition to our personal calendars as a way of establishing connection and being aware of each other and what our days are like.

    We’ve worked together for years, we work from our home office and we have three daughters under 5 yrs old. I’d say our life “together” has actually kept us more apart than together…your Try This tactic of 4 min together first thing in the morning was like breathing in a deep breath – I’m eager to share this tip with him and try it when he’s back from a business trip.

    A.

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  • http://twitter.com/AJLeonardi Anthony Leonardi

    My Wife and I actually try to bookend our days in this way when we can.
    Morning: a calm bowl of cereal before we rush out the door
    Evening: A rousing game of dominoes before bed!
    Rule for both: TV off!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jason.henrichs Jason Henrichs

    My wife and I share the same challenge caused by doubly busy (often conflicting) schedules, my early morning hours and frequent travel for both of us. When we’re in the same state, I still get up at my typically

  • Sharon

    I’m in a startup with my partner and while we don’t have kids, the days/weeks always revolve around the business and we hardly have time to properly reconnect. While this happened organically, we’ve found it useful to lie in bed for ~5 minutes before falling asleep and talk about random things we learned, or make each other laugh. It might be the sleep deprivation but little quips always seem funniest during this time. Going to bed happy after a long day actually makes a difference in the next morning. I highly recommend it!